Getting a play right can be a long and winding road.
Recently, I sought criticism on a 10-minute play from two different sources, two other playwrights. It's a short gritty play called Deus Ex Obliteration, about three merchant seamen on a lifeboat in the sea, literally fighting for their lives, and their last bottle of rum.
The first reader said,
"All we know about Leaf [a character] is that he's small, but nothing about his age, occupation, backstory or how his size shaped his life story. Likewise the other characters could use more definition. I kind of want to know who these people are before I care whether or not they live or die."
My first thought was that the dramatic action of the play was strong enough it was not a concern that I had, and also that in ten pages, exposition about their past and where they come from could easily become sloppy. I have great respect for this reader's opinion, so I went back to the middle and carefully added to the loose back story that was already there.
I submitted the revision to the other playwright. Here was part of the response:
"The middle of the play, while they are talking about their wives and such, seemed to lose the energy that had been building. Also, this section tends to slow down with a bit too much exposition. The characters all know about the super storm, the captain, etc., they really wouldn’t need to tell each other this. Reading the play, I never really needed to know how they got into their situation. I was more focused on their interaction and how/if they would get out of it."
So, obviously, as expected, the exposition was sloppy and, for this reader, unnecessary for the scope of the dramatic action. I went back to see how to further reveal these characters. My thought was that the distinct actions of these characters confined to the narrow space of ten pages sufficiently revealed their characters. So, I'm surfing two waves here and trying to see where they come together. Here is where the section in question currently stands. But the jury is still out. I'm not convinced it's "right" yet.
The complication is how to hide exposition in dialog so that it doesn't sound like the characters are narrating themselves.
PETER
We could come out of all this.
LEAF
What do you mean?
PETER
Alive!
LEAF
What then?
PETER
Then we wouldn't be dead.
LEAF
Alive or dead, it doesn't matter.
PETER
We could go to the pub. Then we could go home and make love to our
wives.
LEAF
My wife left me. Before we even set off.
SYDNEY
That doesn't surprise me.
LEAF
Who asked you? It was another man. Half my age.
SYDNEY
And certainly better looking.
LEAF
You probably don't even have a wife.
SYDNEY
And I don't want one neither. Who needs all that? They just leave you
anyway. (Pause.) Am I right? Or they sleep with somebody else.
PETER
Not my wife!
SYDNEY
Who are you kidding? After all these months away? Now you're lost at
sea! Hah! She's been up waiting so long, she's out there right now looking
for a little horizontal relief.
PETER
You don't know my wife!
SYDNEY
Leafy here knows her I bet.
PETER
Neither one of you! Ya tow-rags!!
SYDNEY
Well I'd hope she'd be more sensible than to wait for the likes of you.
PETER threatens SYDNEY with his fists, which
SYDNEY grabs.
Don't you even think about it!
PETER
You'll see. Just you wait. My wife's a good woman.
LEAF
You see? The big guys always go for the little guys.
PETER
Speak for yourself, ya pipsqeak!
LEAF
It's a whole different world. Being small. All my life I just wanted to come
out on top. I was really making something of myself. Until I met the two
of you. And you talked me into this!
SYDNEY
That damned captain didn't know his head from his ass!
LEAF
So we jumped ship?
PETER
We were gonna make it to shore before the storm, Leafy. The odds were
with us.
LEAF
Not anymore. They should have found us by now! Now we're done.
SYDNEY
Listen to you pantywaists! If I had a violin... I'd play it.
LEAF
If only an imbecile could play a violin.
SYDNEY
Watch it!
LEAF
I played the violin once.
SYDNEY
Get out!
LEAF
But I'll never play it again.
PETER
Of course you will, Leaf. Don't fret. It's time we all came together.
SYDNEY
Well... With that in mind, I think it's past the cocktail hour!
PETER
Me, too!
SYDNEY
What do you say?
Recently, I sought criticism on a 10-minute play from two different sources, two other playwrights. It's a short gritty play called Deus Ex Obliteration, about three merchant seamen on a lifeboat in the sea, literally fighting for their lives, and their last bottle of rum.
The first reader said,
"All we know about Leaf [a character] is that he's small, but nothing about his age, occupation, backstory or how his size shaped his life story. Likewise the other characters could use more definition. I kind of want to know who these people are before I care whether or not they live or die."
My first thought was that the dramatic action of the play was strong enough it was not a concern that I had, and also that in ten pages, exposition about their past and where they come from could easily become sloppy. I have great respect for this reader's opinion, so I went back to the middle and carefully added to the loose back story that was already there.
I submitted the revision to the other playwright. Here was part of the response:
"The middle of the play, while they are talking about their wives and such, seemed to lose the energy that had been building. Also, this section tends to slow down with a bit too much exposition. The characters all know about the super storm, the captain, etc., they really wouldn’t need to tell each other this. Reading the play, I never really needed to know how they got into their situation. I was more focused on their interaction and how/if they would get out of it."
So, obviously, as expected, the exposition was sloppy and, for this reader, unnecessary for the scope of the dramatic action. I went back to see how to further reveal these characters. My thought was that the distinct actions of these characters confined to the narrow space of ten pages sufficiently revealed their characters. So, I'm surfing two waves here and trying to see where they come together. Here is where the section in question currently stands. But the jury is still out. I'm not convinced it's "right" yet.
The complication is how to hide exposition in dialog so that it doesn't sound like the characters are narrating themselves.
PETER
We could come out of all this.
LEAF
What do you mean?
PETER
Alive!
LEAF
What then?
PETER
Then we wouldn't be dead.
LEAF
Alive or dead, it doesn't matter.
PETER
We could go to the pub. Then we could go home and make love to our
wives.
LEAF
My wife left me. Before we even set off.
SYDNEY
That doesn't surprise me.
LEAF
Who asked you? It was another man. Half my age.
SYDNEY
And certainly better looking.
LEAF
You probably don't even have a wife.
SYDNEY
And I don't want one neither. Who needs all that? They just leave you
anyway. (Pause.) Am I right? Or they sleep with somebody else.
PETER
Not my wife!
SYDNEY
Who are you kidding? After all these months away? Now you're lost at
sea! Hah! She's been up waiting so long, she's out there right now looking
for a little horizontal relief.
PETER
You don't know my wife!
SYDNEY
Leafy here knows her I bet.
PETER
Neither one of you! Ya tow-rags!!
SYDNEY
Well I'd hope she'd be more sensible than to wait for the likes of you.
PETER threatens SYDNEY with his fists, which
SYDNEY grabs.
Don't you even think about it!
PETER
You'll see. Just you wait. My wife's a good woman.
LEAF
You see? The big guys always go for the little guys.
PETER
Speak for yourself, ya pipsqeak!
LEAF
It's a whole different world. Being small. All my life I just wanted to come
out on top. I was really making something of myself. Until I met the two
of you. And you talked me into this!
SYDNEY
That damned captain didn't know his head from his ass!
LEAF
So we jumped ship?
PETER
We were gonna make it to shore before the storm, Leafy. The odds were
with us.
LEAF
Not anymore. They should have found us by now! Now we're done.
SYDNEY
Listen to you pantywaists! If I had a violin... I'd play it.
LEAF
If only an imbecile could play a violin.
SYDNEY
Watch it!
LEAF
I played the violin once.
SYDNEY
Get out!
LEAF
But I'll never play it again.
PETER
Of course you will, Leaf. Don't fret. It's time we all came together.
SYDNEY
Well... With that in mind, I think it's past the cocktail hour!
PETER
Me, too!
SYDNEY
What do you say?